November is going by way too fast, can't believe the first week is already over. Anyways for this post I want to talk about being vulnerable. I think most of my close friends can agree that I'm not a very emotionally expressive person. Though I am extremely optimistic and love spreading joy, I do not love talking about anything personal of me. I love having physical connection and being surrounded by people but I hate being physically close to someone where we're almost touching (my roommates know all about it, I sit on the other couch to avoid physical contacts with them). Its strange, I love learning about people but I hate it when people learn about me.
Being vulnerable and being honest can be on two different spectrum; if you ask me how that outfit looks on you, I will be honest. But if you ask me if there is anything upsetting me, I won't say a word. It's not that I dont trust people, I just reticent about my personal life. I hate feeling narcissistic and making people listen. Many times I will overgeneralize things to end any emotional conversation.
Liz Murray discussed briefly about a few antisocial behavior and when she said it clicked to me, that is how i feel (though i dont consider myself antisocial.. at last not always) " What i do won't impact them and it won't make a difference to them". I dont enjoy sharing my personal side to people because I believe that they have better things to do. Until an incident happen this week. This friend and I were having our commonly(?) study break walks and he asked me to be honest with him. Obviously me being honest with feelings is not something I am comfortable with, so i lied. I made up a lie to make it seem as if I don't have feelings, and whatever happen isnt important to me when it actually is because I didn't think he would care. It wouldn't matter is i told the truth or not. But it did, my lies upsetted him. The last thing I would ever want is someone to be upset over a lie.. so i told him the truth. and he already the knew truth, "you always put this defensive mechanism patty". When he told me that, i felt shocked/confused/dazed. It's true, for some reason I always have to use this unemotional character of mine when time is asking for human emotion and empathy. I do this my best friends, my roommates, colleagues, to could have beens.
Maybe its a time for change. I'm not exactly sure how, but this week I will talk to a random stranger every single day of the week and make conversation so some parts of me i usually wont. I want to permeate with positivity and kindness.
Being vulnerable and being honest can be on two different spectrum; if you ask me how that outfit looks on you, I will be honest. But if you ask me if there is anything upsetting me, I won't say a word. It's not that I dont trust people, I just reticent about my personal life. I hate feeling narcissistic and making people listen. Many times I will overgeneralize things to end any emotional conversation.
Liz Murray discussed briefly about a few antisocial behavior and when she said it clicked to me, that is how i feel (though i dont consider myself antisocial.. at last not always) " What i do won't impact them and it won't make a difference to them". I dont enjoy sharing my personal side to people because I believe that they have better things to do. Until an incident happen this week. This friend and I were having our commonly(?) study break walks and he asked me to be honest with him. Obviously me being honest with feelings is not something I am comfortable with, so i lied. I made up a lie to make it seem as if I don't have feelings, and whatever happen isnt important to me when it actually is because I didn't think he would care. It wouldn't matter is i told the truth or not. But it did, my lies upsetted him. The last thing I would ever want is someone to be upset over a lie.. so i told him the truth. and he already the knew truth, "you always put this defensive mechanism patty". When he told me that, i felt shocked/confused/dazed. It's true, for some reason I always have to use this unemotional character of mine when time is asking for human emotion and empathy. I do this my best friends, my roommates, colleagues, to could have beens.
Maybe its a time for change. I'm not exactly sure how, but this week I will talk to a random stranger every single day of the week and make conversation so some parts of me i usually wont. I want to permeate with positivity and kindness.
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